How to complain...effectively!

First, I would like to start by saying that, although I just began, I am already sick and tired of writing this. I could think of literally thousands of better things to be doing on a friday night, but instead I'm confined this stupid computer, writing this stupid paper, which will probably be too boring to read anyway! However, if for some sad reason this does interest you, theres a few things you should know. Complaining is like a fine art, sure, anyone can do it, but it takes a truely talented person to perfect it. There are, essentially, three crutial aspects to any worthwhile complaint, the literal aspect, the mental aspect, and the creative aspect.

The Literal:
Obviously everyone needs something to complain about! All you have to do is watch the news for five minutes to figure this out. However if you really want to complain well, you need to find something that genuinely strikes your intrest. Something so terrible, so vial, that it could literally make your blood boil! And when you find this wretched thing, you're ready for the next step.

The Mental:
Whats the sense in complaining about something if its not important to you...there isn't one! It may be the school lunches, the annoying kid next to you, or even the horrific pimple on your nose, regardless it is important to convince yourself it is the worst possible thing you've ever imagined. Complaining is driven by strong emotions, and whatever you're going to complain about needs to be connected to something important. If the school lunch was bad, well thats obviously what caused you to have three fumbles in the game yesterday. Clearly if your stomach didn't hurt, and you had a well balanced, healthy lunch, you would've one, in fact you probably would have set some sort of record! Now it doesnt have to be connected to a game, just anything or everything that is important in life. Once you're mad, not even just mad, once you're livid, then and only then are you ready to move on.

The Creative:
This is where the Oscars are won, and an individules sense of humor and style has the opportunity to shine through. The key to the creative portion, is gross, outrageous, ridiculous exaggeration! If you're complaining about a relatively clean dog, that cant happen. That dog needs to become a mangy, disgusting, putrid, lice breeding, waste of air, water, and space! Another part that is vital to any good complaint is the use of big words. Big words just make you seem smart! As much as people may not admit it, when you hear somebody speaking about something with passion, using words that you may have only heard on a vocabulary test, one tends to think they know their stuff. Don't believe me? Quite frankly it doesn't even matter because I'm writing this paper, and I'm right.

At the end of the day it still takes one's own spin on these steps to make a truely effective complaint. But, there is no doubt in my mind that if any of this crappy advice is taken to heart, you will be better at not only comlaining, but whining, and pissing and moaning as well!